Eastend Cabaret

EastEnd Cabaret in The Garden of Unearthly Delights

2012-02-13T00:28:00.005-08:00

Adelaide Fringe Festival preparation- approx. 3 weeks til take off

2012-01-17T10:53:00.000-08:00

Well darlings, we are about 3 weeks away from jetting off to Australia.
Anyhow, Victy and I have begun what Victy refers to as 'the preparation phase'. There is a huge build up to this phase involving many lists being made, many tins of food being purchased, strange hats and shies being ordered off amazon. I have hardly seen Victy in weeks!
So she sat me down last night and we had to have the 'preparation chat'. I hate this chat, because it means to have to look at all the lists, try on all the hats and shoes, and go on a tinned food diet for the time we are still in our bedsit.
This is phase 1 of preparation- Victy will slowly phase out the purchasing of fresh food stuffs as she hates to have to throw anything away when we leave. It is so frustrating- she makes me eat absolutely everything in the house, even the last scrape of mustard from a jar. A clean and empty fridge is apparently a good thing in halfy land.
I have now got three weeks of meals with at least one canned element to look forward to.
I am also looking forward to be woken at the crack of arse by the postman every other day as he delivers us huge varieties of hats and shoes that are aerated and not too heavy so we can take them over in our 20 kilo luggage allowance. (We have ordered a bucket of 50 plus sunscreen to meet us at the airport as there is no way it will fit in the suitcase). Somehow we must take accordion, saw, ukulele, mr little red book, mr hammer, miss sickle, a whip and a ping pong ball as well as clothes, shoes, hats and at least 5 bottles of duty free gin.
Not quite sure how it is going to work.
We have had our first moustache party and are on schedule for making our 10,000 half moustaches. ( oh, for those of you who have not been to one of our moustache parties, it is a party that aims to lure you in with the promise if good food and gin and stimulating conversation, and essentially becomes forced labour for several hours. I can be quite persuasive when I need to be darlings.)
We will be having another moustache party very soon, as we still have 8,000 to go.
Well darlings, I must go. I am being summoned to look over yet another list- Victy wants to know what underwear I am taking.
I say it will be 35 degrees- who needs underwear?
BB x

EastEnd Cabaret the revolution will be sexual Arcola Tent

2011-10-18T02:53:00.000-07:00

Victor Victoria covered in 2000 half moustaches!

2011-08-02T05:09:00.000-07:00

Latitude- the mud, the sweat and the earwig invasion.

2011-07-19T07:38:00.001-07:00

Hello darlings.
For all of you who noticed my Internet absence, Victy and I have spent the last 4 nights in a 4 man tent with a single 2 man air bed and a 1 man sleeping bag. Needless to say it was Victys task to arrange the bedding.
We arrived on Thursday evening after a monster 5 hour journey from liverpool street, having perfected the art of bitching at people in cues and stealing their various snacks when they weren't looking. I scored us 2 packs of 'Collins' - he is what he eats, and Victy managed to nab a small camping stove.
Whilst waiting in the cue for an hour for the shuttle bus, we ran into our good friend Doctor Brown who, looking much like Jesus (beardy and wise) led a cue exodus across the fields. We could not follow, as we now had to carry a camping stove, an accordion and much excess food stuff.
Anyhow we made it eventually, and as I watched the sunset and Victy setting up the tent, I knew we were in for an amazing festival.
There were two main hazards at this festival- mud and earwigs. When we awoke on the first morning, the inside of the outer tent layer (who knew these things had two layers) had collected a small family of no less than 37 earwigs, all hungry for our ear blood.
We had developed a tent system to keep them out, which mainly involved my screaming at Victy
SHUT THE ZIP, KILL THE BASTARDS, ZIP THEIR TINY BRAINS
every time we opened the tent flap.
As for the mud, I just made sure Victy carried me over all the bad patches.
My wellington boots are hardly even sullied.
We saw some amazing performers, drank copious amounts of gin, got lost in the woods, destroyed an earwig nest in the pocket of Victys rain coat and played to a fabulous crowd in the cabaret tent on Sunday night.
Despite having to fend off Victys sleeping bag advances, the earwigs, and the constant 'loo pod' seepage....we have managed to fit the tent back into its bag and are looking forward to Bestival.

BB x

eastend cabaret the revolution will be sexual edinburgh fringe

2011-07-05T13:03:00.000-07:00

eastend cabaret - the revolution will be sexual - edinburgh fringe poster

2011-07-05T13:00:00.000-07:00

2011-06-24T13:38:00.000-07:00

Letters of wank

2011-06-15T08:52:00.000-07:00

It is a very difficult thing to find the word 'wank' in a daily paper. It sometimes takes the skill and cunning of a clever collage-ist to transform the letter 't' for example into a sort of 'k'. Or even the letter 'e', with luck, and a strange type face can be fiddled with. You just have to add in lots of decorative swirls. The words 'torie' and 'tit' are however, notoriously simple to find- even if at times you have to lob the 'ainium' off 'titanium'. After many minutes of cutting and of course pasting, I finally have it. Big, bold and beautiful- 'TORIE TIT WANK'.
I'm sure Victy will be impressed. I have stuck it to the fridge.

eastend cabaret BBC London

2011-06-14T07:43:00.000-07:00

Battle ground- bus

2011-06-14T05:17:00.001-07:00

Victy has once again abandoned me in the pursuit of rodents. I, left to contemplate the world, have already accomplished an hour of naked yoga, a bit of singing out the window, and the eating of a salt beef bagel (very kindly donated after my widow concert). Am feeling very productive. I am now on a bus observing the strange behaviour of a man who has clearly been denied his regular seat. I may have, or may not have purposefully deprived him of it. He is now like an animal-frightened, jittery, and alien in his new seat (directly opposite me). How will his bus journey be affected by this new seat situation? His hair is being bizarrely ruffled by the wind from the open window. This never would have happened in his seat. He keeps glancing furiously at me. Short little glances that question how long he must endure this pain! I give him small inches of hope as the bus slows and I am appearing to gather my things. Is this woman finally getting off? Can the balance of nature finally be restored and allow me to take my rightful place? The place that is mine every day?
I think not my friend. Not today. I stay on the bus until we reach his stop, just because I can. He races from the vehicle with a renewed passion for his place. Tomorrow I will have it. Tomorrow.
Perhaps tomorrow, I will also catch the bus again.

Bluestockings Sex educatin special

2011-05-17T09:37:00.000-07:00

Eurovision 2011 - 'Stand up and Touch Yourself' EastEnd Cabaret

2011-05-10T07:33:00.000-07:00

eurovision 2011 - flashmob

2011-05-06T06:02:00.000-07:00

Ping Pong

2011-04-28T06:07:00.002-07:00

Ping pong by EastEndCabaret

Mr Little Red Book's Grand Entrance

2011-04-26T06:56:00.000-07:00

EastEnd Cabaret cover of TimeOut

2011-01-18T04:37:00.001-08:00

EastEnd Cabaret Butterfly Club

2011-01-15T03:52:00.001-08:00

Victor Victoria

2011-01-03T14:12:00.000-08:00

Victor Victoria by Bernadette Byrne

2011-01-03T14:11:00.000-08:00

Mr Little Red Book's Guide to Good Sex

2010-12-15T11:56:00.001-08:00

Victor Victoria by Bernadette Byrne

2010-11-28T02:32:00.000-08:00

Victor Victoria by Bernadette Byrne

Mr Little Red Book- Coming soon to a you tube near you

2010-11-15T06:48:00.000-08:00

Darlings, Mr Little Red Book is coming soon. It is a project zhat is very near und dear to my heart. Getting Mr Little Red Book's wisdom out zhere into zhe vider vorld und educating people on zhe joys of his sexual practices.
Zhe filming however has been a little stressful at times...Mr Hammer continues to get camera shy, vhich makes it very difficult. I force Victy to continuously reassure Miss Sickle zhat it is definitely not because Mr Hammer is not attracted to her, zhat it is merely zhe camera zhat is making it difficult for him to, you know- get himself a communist uprising. Miss Sickle is not convinced however. It is very different from a live performance zhough you know? Mr Hammer has to continue vith zhe sex until ve have gotten zhe right angle, zhe right facial expression etc. Not like it is on stage vhere he can just 'nail' her once und be done vith it, und I am a very fussy director!
Ve vill not lose heart darlings, ve vill find him a fluffer und Mr Little Red Book's Guide to Good Sex- 'zhe series' vill be made.
Keep your eyes und ears open darlings,
Much love from zhe set!
B.B x

Zhe Wii und me

2010-11-09T08:19:00.001-08:00

So darlings lately I have been very much missing one of my past lovers- my yoga instructor. I vas trying to touch my toes zhe other day und I found it more difficult zhan ever before. zhe strain in my zhighs reminded me of zhe amazing positions ve used to get into...I am now on a quest to make my yogi proud und become as bendy as I once vas.
Victy recently purchased a Wii fit (her man half likes to do zhis boxing game sometimes) und it has yoga on it! I even have a male trainer zhat likes to compliment my sense of balance und tell me to tighten my buttox...just like my yogi used to.
today I have completed zhe salute to zhe sun, zhe palm tree, und my favourite- zhe chair. do good for your zhighs...
I have beaten all of Victys scores darlings, und I shall keep you posted on my progress.
( und yogi darling I vill save zhe downward dog for you!)
B.B x

hostel

2010-11-02T09:58:00.001-07:00

darlings, zhis past Halloween victy und I decided to download ourselves a film to vatch. victy suggested 'hostel'. it vas suitable for Halloween she said. I, innocently zhinking zhat Victy had seen it before und knew vhat ve vere in for. apparently I vas mistaken. Zhe first part of zhe film vas fine- attractive vomen und zheir breasts everywhere. but zhen came zhe blood.
Victy managed to miss most of it by continually running to zhe kitchen to refill my gin. I however, pinned to zhe couch in horror vas forced to vatch toe clamping, eye ball shipping und a toilet death all alone. it vas absolutely horrible darlings.
it vas also a little to convenient zhat all zhe evil people involved in kidnapping zhe protagonist happened to be standing in zhe middle of zhe road just as zhe man in question arrives in a stolen car und kills zhem all. und just vhen you zhought it vas over- toilet death happens. good must triumph over evil after all.
I vould not recommend it darlings, as ultimately it vas just blood.
next year ve vill be vatching my choice of Halloween film- 'ghost' as victy is petrified of Patrick Swayzee.
B.B x

Stainless Steel

2010-10-18T04:59:00.000-07:00

The incident occurred at approximately 9.37pm on zhe 17th of October (zhat is last night darlings).
Victy vas late in zhe cooking of our meal (vhich vas to consist of scrambled eggs, salami on toast und a gherkin for myself as zhere vas only one left). Victy, being zhe little fool she is cracked zhe eggs into zhe pan before, I repeat before putting zhe toast into zhe toaster! I have told her a thousand times darlings, zhe toast must come first! She never does learn.
Now I vatched helplessly as our only two eggs began to solidify before my eyes und I screamed at Victy-
'Zhe TOAST victy! Get zhe TOAST!' (she had not even removed it from zhe cupboard, so badly organised she vas!)
What ensued vas havoc. A havoc unlike any havoc I had ever seen before. Zhe eggs vhere growing ever more cooked, und Victy pushed past me to zhe cupboard. Vhilst removing zhe bread from its home on zhe second shelf, Victy attempted to stir zhe eggs vith her other hand. She had, however not counted on zhe unstable position of zhe loaf of bread on its shelf.
In one foul swoop zhe entire loaf on bread, so nearly vithin Victy's grasp came hurtling out of zhe cupboard und landed right on her face. Momentarily stunned by bread head, Victy lost control of zhe vooden spoon she vas using to stir und shoved she end of it into zhe fire of zhe stove. It caught fire as if it vere a barbeque, zhe spoon to zhe eggs, zhe eggs to zhe pan...i had never seen anything like it! I (being zhe resourceful one) grabbed zhe bottle of gin I vas drinking und graciously used it in an attempt to save Victy, however, it vas met only vith angry yelling. Not a very greatful halfy is she darlings? Merely because she lost her left sleeve.
I zhought it vas neccessary to document zhe evidence of zhis case so zhat, in zhe event of zhe purchasing of a new fry pan, all zhe evidence vill prove zhat I am in fact zhe victim, und Victy must pay for it.
See Victy, even zhe internet says so.

B.Bx

Pietons in Paris

2010-10-15T03:32:00.003-07:00

3 days in Paris. a poem for you darlings.

eurostar, so quick und long.
sat opposite a fatty-
chewing, chewing, chew, chew, gulp.
a cheese stuffed baguette,
more cheese than bread
as big as my head.
lazy valks along in zhe autumn leaves,
varm red vine from zhe bottle,
getting lost in zhe streets-
followed a dog vith very big balls
und found a costume shop.
bed vith a curtain,

Socks. Und bring mustard.

2010-10-04T07:35:00.000-07:00

I avoke zhis morning darlings, to find zhat zhe pair of socks zhat I vas planning on vearing today underneath my boots. Zhe only pair of socks zhat vas available to find in zhe room zhat Victy has not even cleaned all veek, vere missing. Missing Victy! Vhere could zhey be I vonder? Perhaps my traitorous dual gendered room mate has a clue about zheir vhereabouts?!

Vhen you leave to vork in zhe morning Victy, I expect you not to touch my zhings.
You know zhat anything on zhe vindowsill is my exclusive property.
You understand zhat you must not touch anything zhat comes into contact vith my body in any vay shape or form.
I am sitting here now, in a cafe vithout any socks under my boots und my naked feet are screaming.
SCREAMING!
as your punishment I vill expect a foot massage zhis evening- both feet, und in between zhe toes how I like it.
Zhat is all.
Und ve are out of mustard.

B.B x

2010-10-04T07:26:00.000-07:00

The doorman finally let me in, after VV started doling out the roofies, but just in time for Bernadette to sing about firing ping pong balls from her ladycannon.

German (French? Alsatian?) Bernadette peered out from beneath cavernous eyelashes hung with stalactites of mascara, while Australian-Filipino Victor/Victoria hunkered over her electric organ, waggling half a moustache and deceptively puppy dog eyes at her statuesque dominatrix. Also, there was Mr. Little Red Book, a weathered copy of Mao Zedong’s magnum opus but with goggly eyes and a curly black moustache that offered sexual advice for those more Pink than Red.

Eastend Cabaret’s songs are either freshly funny originals or clever reworkings of pop classics played on keyboards, accordion, ukulele, kazoos and musical saw, such as Devo’s “Whip It” as a Gothic gospel or the traditional Japanese-sounding I Love Rock and Roll. Beautifully observed characters and a wealth of material mean they can improv flawlessly with audiences and whenever bar staff break something. What was especially fun was the underlying power dynamic between diva and doting servant. While Bernadette is ostensibly in charge, owning the room and everyone in it, with the rohypnol song we see VV is actually the puppetmaster, enjoying sexual interludes her true love is better off not remembering.

Eastend had been foxing me for months. I’d been trying- or more correctly, failing- to see this show since July. Once, full of the warm glow of personal achievement, I’d speedwalked in just over an hour from Oxford Circus to Carnivale in Whitechapel, only to be told the performers weren’t on that night. Horrified to have the wrong venue I speedwalked to their other regular spot at Zero Aldwych in just under an hour. There I was told they were actually in France. I wasn’t even in the right country.

Last Wednesday, having finally reasserted my professionalism by turning up at the right place at the right time for the right show with my friend from high school, “Crazy Phil”, visiting from Canada, the bouncer refused us entry.

“Do you know who I am? I write for Snipe Magazine! I could crush this place!”

“Yeah, that’s nice. But we’re at capacity, so crush us from outside. If anyone leaves, you can come in, okay?”

Zero Aldwych, infamous for having previously been Oscar Wilde’s favourite social networking site and public toilet, is tiny. It’s essentially a glamorous underground U-boat. Fire regulations demand a maximum of thirty people be stuffed inside. That night saw the place packed out with fifty. The mirrors made it seem like a hundred.

The shrugging bouncer took my particulars, getting every single letter of Snipe and Alan wrong, and shut the heavy wooden door. Inside I could hear Bernadette warbling an educational tune explaining that if a man needs to ask “is it in?” then it fucking well wasn’t in, darlings. I had to get in! There was stuff in there I needed to know! Eventually the bouncer, watching through the spyhole as I pressed my ear against the door to take notes and cry, felt sorry and opened the door. Phil immediately pushed through the crowd to sit at Bernadette’s feet and tried to steal her whip.

Sat next to us were a gaggle of gorgeous women, employees of the Ministry of Defense enjoying a night away from the testosterone-thickened atmosphere of the MoD, delirious at having found two such hilarious women discussing important subjects: Bondage, the positive advantages of date rape drugs for the romantically dispossessed , transgenderism, vaginal ping pong, and the comical avoidance of rape. They’d also drunk enough to float the boys of the MoD under the table. When the Mistresses of Defense finally staggered off to resume protecting the nation they left behind three quarters of a bottle of champagne, which we commandeered. VV, Bernadette and their manager Tom joined Phil and I to toast the soused spies’s generosity and discuss Eastend Cabaret’s future ambitions.

You need a larger venue, I said. They agreed and told me plans were afoot for larger spaces, more frequent shows, animation projects featuring Mr. Little Red Book and themselves, as well as a larger, more substantial production that could showcase all the material they didn’t have room for in three fifteen-minute sets.

A happy end, then, to months of frustration and the discovery of a place with glass panels fronting the unisexual toilet booths so everyone can watch you pee. (I had my back turned, so I didn’t notice the apparent “frosting mechanism” that clouds the glass when you lock the door. In my heart there is no frosting mechanism. The warm spirit of Oscar Wilde demands an openness and spirit of debauchery in the post-cottaging Zero.)

Eastend Cabaret is a hoot and I hope someday to not fuck up seeing them again.

Eastend Cabaret runs every last Wednesday of the month

By Alan Hindle

2010-09-22T07:49:00.000-07:00

C@^£L by EastEnd Cabaret

The delicate eco system of Uzes

2010-08-16T02:35:00.000-07:00

Bonjour darlings.
I returned several days ago from a small French town called Uzes. It vas a beautiful small town in zhe south of France complete vith bull running, vin tasting und goats cheese as far as zhe eye could see. I vas staying in a beautiful apartment, my balcony looking over onto a beautiful garden und pool. (are you jealous yet darlings? Victy vas. I made her stay at home to guard my puppets- Mr hammer being metal is not allowed onto zhe plane as hand luggage in case I try und hijack zhe pilot or somezhing.)
Every morning I vould sip my fresh coffee und nibble at my goats cheese und I vould look out onto zhe pool, und I vould notice zhe same people arriving at zhe same time every day. (zhis vas a truly residential block of flats darlings- I do not do vell in tourist hotels!)
At 10.27 Le Raisin vould toddle down zhe path. Le Raisin-small, hunched, shrivelled little man, wrinkly from all his sun exposure, carrying zhe deck chair from his balcony to zhe left hand corner of zhe pool- under zhe palm tree. His little speedos only just covering his bottom (I'm sure zhe only plae, non wrinkly part of his body) he vould squish down into his deck chair und stare into zhe vater, never touching it. Perhaps he can not svim.

11.15- Le Bastard storms from his house in a determined hurricane of towels. He places three towels in a star shape on zhe ground in zhe centre of zhe sun- alvays a little too close to Le Raisin (he is met vith a glare zhat is promtly ignored) und he lies on his towel star posing to zhe sky, yelling at any unsuspecting person zhat may stand in zhe vay of his light.

11.35- Le douche duo wobble onto zhe scene. Two large old vomen in clucking like hens, greeting Le Raisin und Le Bastard loudly so zhat all zhe neighbours know zhay are friends. Zhe men seem upset at zhis disturbance of zhe peace, but Le Bastard seems to change his poses more frequently.

My second day vas my first encounter vith zhe dreaded cry of 'Oue la Douche!'. I had innocently sunned myself by zhe pool for several hours und decided to take a dip in zhe vater to cool down. Suddenly, before my big toe had even touched zhe vater, zhe cry rang out 'Oue la Douche! Oue la Douche!' as I normally have Victy to deal vith such situations, I vas quite in shock. But before I could even reply Le Douche Duo had hold of my arms und vere very forcefully leading me to zhe shower. I vas douched in cold vater as zhe vatched vith satisfaction. Zhe audactity! I could not believe it! Revenge vas neccessary.
Day three I noticed an english family vith three young boys had arrived, obviously staying in zhe flats. I made a passing comment about zhe best spots to sit at by zhe pool when I saw zhem in zhe lobby (zhe place by zhe vall just under zhe second palm tree has excellent sun darlings! You must get zhere early to get zhis prime spot! Oh und all of zhe showers in zhe pool are freezing cold- do not 'douche' under any circumstances!)
I got up early zhe next morning, set out my coffee und my goats cheese und vatched zhis delicate eco system crumble.

At precisely 10.00 am on zhe dot zhe english terrors arrived. Zhe arrived vith zheir inflatable dolphin, zheir icy poles, zheir football und zheir vater vings und camped out all around zhe pool. Le Raisin vas zhe first to arrive. He seemed not to notice zhe disturbance, simply headed over to his roasting spot, unfolded his deck chair (narrowly missing zhe arm of zhe english mother) und began to stare at zhe vater. Zhis vas fine vith me, I had no beef vith Le Raisin. Next in line vas Le Bastard. He paused in his march, staring at his spot. His spot, his sun lay covered by zhe inflatable dolphin. His head seemed to go entirely red as he marched over und vith a swift kick of his left foot sent zhe dolohin flying into a bush. He planted his towls svearing loudly in french, but vas wedged between a vater ving und a picnic basket, und had to resort to sitting up. He spoke to Le Raisin angrily who merely nodded. United against zhe intruders.
But zhen, zhe moment I had vaited for. Luckily zhe boys had not yet entered zhe vater. zhe had merely been kicking zhe football und covering zhem selves in ice cream und sandviches. But zhey had just finished zheir food vhen Le Douche duo arrived at zhe scene. I happened almost in slow motion.
Zhe youngest boy (covered in chocolate) put on his vater vings. Zhe middle aged terror reached for zhe dolphin. Zhe oldest boy took a few steps back preparing to dive bomb zhe sacred vaters of zhis Uzes residential pool. Le Douche duo froze. Both zhe old vomens eyes filled vith terror as zhey saw vhat vas about to happen. As if vith on voice zhey screamed out-
OUE LA DOUCHE!!!!
But it vas too late. Zhe boys charged at zhe vater. Zhe oldest of zhe Douche duo made an attempt to grab zhe youngest terror but he slipped from her grasp. Zhe look of horror returned as zhey saw zhe mess, zhe chocolate, zhe crumbs, zhe sticky jam, zhe mud, zhe grass und zhe lettuce zhat vas about to enter zheir sacred vaters. Vith one splash zhis delicate eco system vas destroyed, und a mysterious vomen could smile happily into her goats cheese.
B.B x

2010-07-31T08:13:00.001-07:00

2010-07-22T08:33:00.000-07:00

A*%I

C@^£L No.5

2010-07-11T04:30:00.000-07:00

Dear Sir.

2010-07-04T06:54:00.000-07:00

To zhe sir who vas urinating in a public place on Zhursday morning.
I happened to be sitting just inside zhe vindow you chose to use for your urination corner, und I vas lucky enough to see zhe entire urination from start to finish. I have a bit of advice for you zhat may help your efforts in future.
Firstly, your choice of pants vere, in essence good. Track suit pants are loose and easily removable- thus good for public peeing. You failed to use zhis to your advantage however as you pulled zhem down extremely prematurely. I vitnessed your villy for a whole two minutes prior to zhe pee- completely unneccessarily. Being on rollerblades vas again a vise move, but rolling slowly to a halt vith you privates hanging out in zhe vorld, und esecially begining zhe flow ofurine before you have come to a complete halt is inadvisable.
secondly- zhe fact zhat you decided to combine your street corner urination vith a 'snot blow' from each nostril is admirable, und definitely a boon in zhe spirit of multi tasking.
My advice however, is zhat you ensure zhat your penis is put avay BEFORE you commece zhe snot drop, as you und I both know zhat your penis got covered in snot zhat day.
Vishing you happy urinating and much luck vith your future snot dropping endeavours.

Bernadette Byrne
x

daytime tv vith gin

2010-06-29T06:38:00.001-07:00

a poem for you my darlings.

four people, sometimes five
some who shouldn't be alive
eating drinking little drunkards
mocking each others bad habits
silently farting und hoping,
hoping zhat nobody vill notice zhe smell
zhe smell of bland normality.
bland normality vithout gin.
cone dine vith me.
dine.
Di e .

B.B x

What's up tutie?

2010-06-22T04:22:00.000-07:00

Dearest Tutankhamun,
Darling it is I, your younger sister, und I am writing to you in zhis vorld of cyber space in zhe hope zhat you vill, in your current incarnation come forth und find me.
Such fun ve used to have und how I do miss you!
I know zhat I used to tease you about your strange face, but darling, throughout my other lives I have seen far stranger zhings! A cleft palate is nothing compared to zhe elephant man I met in zhe royal London hospital in 1884. Zhat vas a head und a half. So no more teasing tutie I promise. (although I may have to make zhe occasional dig at your hobble- if indeed your new incarnation is still hobbling- you vere such an old man even at 17!)
Do you remember playing senet zhat night, und I, for zhe first time ever darling vas able to win! You claimed I cheated und knocked over zhe board, like you always did if anyone beat you at anything. Good zhing you died at 19 or zhe kingdom vould definitely gone down hill! Vell darling, I am quite enjoying my current incarnation, but I am definitely lacking an older brother in my life. I know I never told you back in zhe day but you vere pretty ok.
Contact me darling ok? If you are out zhere.
B.B x

fish on a hot day

2010-06-05T06:10:00.001-07:00

one should not sell fish on any day zhat is over 23 degrees. personally I zhink zhat one should not sell fish at all. it offends zhe nose darlings, und zhough zheir slimy little bodies are shining in zhe sunlight,
it is merely zheir bodies decomposing before our very eyes. hideous little bastards.

B.Bx

heroin man

2010-05-24T06:00:00.001-07:00

a man, grey und riddled by heroin walks back und forth at zhe top of brick lane. valks into zhe beigel ship, valks out if zhe beigel shop, no beigel in hand. sits down outside brick lane coffee, nods at slightly less grotty homeless man who is smoking a pipe. homeless man two looks quite pompous actually, he does not nod back.
heroin man squints at zhe sun. it is to bright for his deep dark brain. sunglasses! top left hand pocket. black ones? no, to somber. top right- giant hot pink shades. better.
now its dark. too dark.
heroin man spits into his hand und gently massages zhe phlegm into his thigh. it's all better now.
und zhat is ven I had to valk away.

zhe sunshine on my toe.

2010-05-21T06:57:00.001-07:00

one toe is in zhe sun. zhe rest-
in shadow.
one toe is having fun. zhe rest-
shadows
of zheir former selves.
zhinking of zhe days ven all toes vere equal.
lived a life of light,
und let zheir hairs stand proud
und sparkle.
one toe
zhe sun,
zhe chosen one

a poem by Bernadette Byrne

strange, freaky little bubbles.

2010-05-18T05:29:00.001-07:00

darlings, today i have noticed zhat where are freaky little bubbles following me everyvhere. am I paranoid? perhaps.
but zhis morning, vhen I vas innocently practicing my ukulele (writing a new song darlngs- sex vith my Stalin- hopefully ready in zhe next few weeks) und a lone bubble floated in zhrough my door. I zhought nothing of it, until bubble zhe second came billowing zhrough! I valked slowly into zhe kitchen, no one. only zhe open bottle of fairy liquid on zhe bench und a pile of unvashed lasagne dishes victy had not yet vashed (she had been so lazy zhis veek darlings I can not tell you! it is all zhis dope peddling, no good for no one!). i decided to go out into zhe vorld to avoid further bubble attacks, und sure enough, outside my building darlings a bubble shot into my coat. yes! up zhe sleeve! on zhe pavement- a lone child vith a bubble gun. a sad omen of zhings to come.
now darlings, zhere are bubbles in my coffee- just mocking me. vhat is zhe universe telling me?!
I am perplexed.
B.B x

rupert

2010-04-23T11:18:00.001-07:00

my darling Rupert, vhere are you? vhen be said our goodbyes at Liverpool street you said you vhere just going to zhe loo und zhen you vould meet me at burger king. I vaited until my burger vent cold und hardened into its husk like shell. zhen I vaited outside hfc because I zhought maybe you vhere confused.. I have realised zhat you are probably still upset about dinner, but darling, do not stay mad both me for so long! I stole zhe best bit of chicken on your plate. I did not know you vhere saving it! und my chicken bad so dry und tasteless vhile yours was juicy und luscious..und zhe sauce vas amazing. I had food envy ok? be both know it. so stop being stubborn, come to my place und I vill make sure victy cooks you something delicious..vell, ve havnt been shopping so perhaps victy can go and get you some kind of fried chicken..
or perhaps it vill be easier if you just get some food on your vay ok? und Rupert darling, bring me some vings?
B.B. x

Beigel shop varning!

2010-03-29T07:23:00.000-07:00

It is Thursday night, you are hungry und have only approximatly £3.50 to your name...vhat to do? Zhe beigel shop vill save you!Darlings, I know zhat I speak as if I am a first timer, but zhat vould be a lie. Zhe beigel shop has saved me on many occasions vhen Victy has not done zhe shopping for zhe veek und my cupboards are bare, or vhen I find myself busking und earning a mere £4 in 2 hours.I am particularly a fan of zhis place at 2.30 am vhen I ave been out drinking, und zhere vas a day vhere I have indeed eaten a beigel for every meal. Zhe difference is, however, zhat a few veeks ago I vound up in zhe other beigel shop...zhe yellow one.Zhat vas a mistake. It vas slightly cheaper zhan zhe vhite one, I must admit, vhich pleased me at first.Zhe quality however....vell let us just say zhat it is not zhe same!At zhe beigel bake a salt beef beigel involves a delicious mountain of salt beef piled on top of a beigel zhat just seems dwarfed by zhe beef. Zhe mustard is spicy und delicious, und zhe gherkins! (Zhey are my favourite part.) At zhe yellow 'beigel shop' zhe beef fits neatly inside zhe tiny beigel vith only a mere slither of gherkin poking out. It just does not quite cut it darlings. Spend zhe extra 10p und eat like a king.B.Bx

Grand Opening

2010-03-10T09:07:00.000-08:00

Liquid Battles

2010-03-08T05:39:00.000-08:00

Zhere vas a fight in Sainsburys today darlings, und I very nearly vas stuck in zhe middle. Two angry men telling each other to 'fuck away'. Strange choice of vords I know.
It vas zhe section in between zhe milk und zhe juice isles- one man ad a litre of orange juice (vithout 'bits') und zhe other man a 2 litre bottle of milk.
I zhought it vas quite clear zhat juice man should back down, clearly on account of zhe fact zhat is juice ad less litreage zhan zhe milk, und also on account of zhe fact zhat it contained no 'bits'. Zhey vould ave added some veight you know?
Zhe shouting continued as a looked at zhe veapons in front of me. ad a choice of sainsbury's home style natural yoghurt- a bit veightier zhan milk perhaps?
also zere vas cheddar cheese on special, but I figured it vould take at least zhree blocks zrown in close proximity to distract zhem momentarily from zhere swearing to allow me to escape.
Before I could meditate any more on zhe matter owever, vith a fnal outburst of
FUCK AWAY!
zhe man to zhe left of me placed is milk back on zhe shelf, snatched up zhe same milk but in 'semi-skimmed' und stormed off.
Perhaps zhe juice man told im e vas fat?
Vhat other explanation could zhere be?
B.Bx

Cafe Fresh- My feelings. B.Bx

2010-03-08T05:38:00.000-08:00

Cafe Fresh- 29 Commercial rd Whitechapel

Darlings, zhis zany little cafe is one I valked past many times vithout giving it a second look. Now zhat I ave looked und seen zhat it is brigh orange I am not quite sure ow zhis appened, but none zhe less, I am very glad zhat I looked to zhe left vhile I vas valking down commercial road.Now, all I ad vas a coffee darlings, but let me put it zhis vay- zhe coffee vas uge, und only cost £1.40. It vas not zhe most exciting coffee on zhis planet, but it vas ot und definitely cheap, und considering my busking ad earnt me exactly £1.52 in zhe last our zhis vas a very good zhing. No one respects a ukulele busker. Not as impressive as a guitar?! Fools.Anyhow, zhe orange sofas vere comfortable und cosy, und zhere vas artvork all over zhe valls (some of it vas colouring in obviously done by 5 year old children- but it is good t encourage zhe young no? as long as hey do not come near you...) I did also appen to sneak a peak at zhe breakfast menu, und zhere are some very good deals! £3.40 for a full english breakfast, vait for it- including a tea!My favourite part of zhe whole experience owever vas vhen I vent to zhe ladies downstairs. Zhere I discovered an adult lounge complete vith leopard prints und zebra stripes und mirrors covering every other vall. Zhere may ave even been a shag pile carpet und a miniature disco ball...i am not entirely sure, but zhere vhere certainly none of zhe childrens pictures on zhe downstairs valls.Not sure vhat zhey do ere of an evening, but I zhink it may be slightly more kinky zhan cheap breakfasts.B.Bx

Gatwick Airport. My feelings.

2010-02-18T18:38:00.000-08:00

My darlings, I love airports. I tell you zhe truth, I love zhem. I love zhe heartache as two lovers are torn from each others arms by a final boarding call. Zhe drama as fat people run desperately to zheir gates, villing zheir bodies to move just a little bit faster not knowing zhat zheir plane is already on zhe run vay. zhat final ben und jerrys before a flight is never a good idea. Vhy do zhey put zhose vending machines everyvhere?! I love zhe children who tirelessly zhrow zhemselves at every moving object, coneveyor belt or trolley- like lemmings zhey are, vaiting for zheir parents to save zhem just before zhey are carried off zhrough zhose little flaps und are packed in vith zhe luggage on a flight to Africa. Precious moments my darlings, und zhey make me smile. Gatwick owever...bah. I spit at Gatwick! I vas zhere a few veeks ago on my vay to Australia, und I vas deprived of zhe one zhing zhat makes it all vorth vhile. Zhe duty free alcohol. Robert from vorld of vhiskeys ad zhe nerve to tell me zhat I vas only permitted to take 100mls of alcohol into Australia. 100mls. Zhat is barely one shot! Australia, zhe country of zhe biggest drinkers in zhe vorld, zhe people who applaud a man zhat can drink 10 times is own body veight, zhe people who invented snake bites und zhe valkabout! Surely it can not be so! But it vas so darlings. Robert vould not sell me a single zhing! Zhe nerve of zhat man. Ow dare e! All I vanted vas a few small (2 litre) bottles of gin, some red vine und perhaps several bottles of burbon (to give as presents to my boys in Acdc you know- zhey love zheir burbon). It vas not to much to ask. But zhanks to Robert I left zhis Gatwick vith nothing but a bottle of vater und some ben und jerrys. Vhen I stopped over in Doha owever darlings, zhey kindly informed me zhat in fact I vas allowed to take 2 litres of alcohol per person in to Australia (as long as I did not bring in any insects, moss or soil zhat may destroy zheir precious eco system zhey did not give two oots). So I enlisted a small troup of elderly vomen to carry some of my purchases through to Australia. genius no? You have ruined Gatwick for everyone Robert. I ope you are proud of yourself. Und don't you vorry darlings, your bernie vill be back soon! B.B x

Bernie is back in black!

2010-02-07T16:29:00.000-08:00

Hello darlings,

I am writing to you from down under, zhe big brown land commonly known as Australia. I ave arrived safe und vell, und although I vould not recommend making zhe journey on a 'borrowed' speed boat (driven by a young but very able man who assures you e as a boat license..but also as an insane fear of zhe ocean), it as owever been very good for my complexion. I am acquiring darlings vhat is known in zhis great land as a healthy red glow, for red is zhe new vhite.
My upcoming tour vith ACDC begins on friday, und I vill be following zhe boys in my own four wheel drive (quite an obvious name for a car do you not zhink?) und performing in smaller, more intimate venues during zheir shows (zhe style of venue refered to in zhis place of Oz as a 'car park'?), but ve vill undoubtedly ave many crazy adventures on zhis trip ve are making together, ACDC und myself, und I vill take many photos for you- zhe public.
I ave already met several of zhe creatures zhat inhabit zhis great land zhe kangaroos, zhe echidnas und zhe koalas- lucky bastards. I ave learned from a vise man of zhe zoo, zhat zhe leaves koalas eat are in fact filled vith alcohol, und so zhe life of a koala is one of permanent intoxication. zhey simply are drunk, zhen zhey sleep, zhen zhey eat some more und are drunk again. I zhen tried zhe following evening to ave a true koala style Australian experience und gorged myself on a bag of eucalyptus leaves und wrapped myself around a small shrub for several ours. it vas enlightening experience darlings, und I vas bitten by an angry red ant.
zhe other zhing I ave noticed about zhis great land, is zhat zhe flies ere seem to ave extreme senses und super fast reactions! Zhe flies in England are appy to be brushed off, und zhey seem to merrily bumble off on zheir merry vays. Ere owever, zhey afre designed to attack und zhey vill keep coming at you arder und faster until you are so frustrated und angry at zhem zhat you slap yoursef in zhe face! It must be something in zheir diet. Perhaps zhey are high on sunscreen? I do not know darlings. All I know is zhat I vill not miss zhem.
Vell zhe time as come for me to go, my tour bus-vell, four vheel drive, avaits. It vill take me to zhe highvay to hell! vell, to zhe place commonly known as Wanthaggi...
until next time darlings
B.B x

The Story of Victor Victoria

2010-01-15T03:51:00.000-08:00

January Sale

2010-01-11T08:40:00.000-08:00

It echoes in zhe silence...in strangeness. A poem.

2010-01-03T08:10:00.001-08:00

A poem for you my darlings.

At silent times.
Inopportune times.
At times zhe pressure builds.
Und ven it builds, it creeps slowly,
it crawls steadily
pulling itself up, up
your throat.
Ven zhe pressure squeezes und becomes
too much
for zhe pink fleshy flesh of zhe throat,
It comes.
out of zhe squish.
a pressed out squeak.
A muffled creak.
A vibration from vithin.
A throat burp.
Strange.

B.B x

a post oliday zhought...

2009-12-28T10:39:00.000-08:00

vhen all zhe vine is drunk und zhe presents are opened, vhen zhe turkey is eaten und zhe stuffing just gone, vhat is left?
flatulance und indegestion, hangovers und family values darlings.
zhat is all,und zhat is great.
B.Bx

2009-12-17T10:31:00.000-08:00

Brick lane market!

2009-12-13T13:00:00.000-08:00

I vas at zhe market today darlings, und let me tell you zhis- if you are not at zhe market on a sunday, zhere is something very wrong vith your head.It is unbelievable! I ardly know vhere to begin...but ok, ere goes.people, people everywhere! trendy little bobbed hairs, scruffy little long hairs, scary little never been vashed all zheir lives hairs- zhese ones are normally trying to sell you zhe stolen bikes.You can get foods from all around zhe vorld- japanese, chinese, indian, cupcakes, mexican, thai, european, pancakes...anyzhing you like!but you must pick your stand carefully darlings und I vould avoid zhe mo mo's as zhey sometimes contain strange ard particles zhat ve cannot identify...und is all else fails you can always go to zhe bagel shop. (zhe yellow one is slightly cheaper, but zhe vhite one is better...! vorth zhe extra 10p)My favourite part of zhis market is zhe rare occasion zhat a man ve ave nick named 'Jimmy' (because of his resemblance to zhe late Jimmy Henderix) jams vith zhe omemade drumkit guy, und it feels like ve are right zhere at voodstock! I also enjoy zhe strange man who dresses entirely in golden lycra, und zhe local 'standing man' who just growls at zhe tourists ven zhey pass by.Zhe stalls are full of treasures und trinkets, zhough some of zhe vintage is beginning to become a little bit pricey. Zhe best bargains are on zhe street its self, vhere people come from miles around (vell, bethnal green really...)to sell zhe contents of zheir vardrobes for 50p. Brilliant.You must all go darlings, it is a vonderful day for all!
Now zhere are only a few more zhings to do darlings- make a gherkin, clean zhe puppets, order zhe pretzels... und ve vill be ready for tomorrow nights EastEnd Cabaret extravaganza!
It's good to ave minions.
oh I ope to see you all zhere, und ve vill drink, dance, sing und be merry until zhe morning light. until tomorrow- schlaf gut meine lieben!
B.Bx

Getting in Zhe 'oliday spirits

2009-12-09T09:38:00.000-08:00

Eastend Cabaret Christmas Special

2009-12-09T09:34:00.000-08:00

tick, tick, tock

2009-12-07T12:52:00.000-08:00

A small poem for you darlings, entitled-

My vine, my time- sigh.

Riddle me zhis, riddle me zhat,
vhere is my vine?
I may have enjoyed it a night or two ago,
but remember it I can not, zhe vine zhat is...
it vas so long ago.
Darlings zhe vine it grew legs und valked right out of my life.
Along vith zhe time it took to drink zhe bottle.
I'm never going to get zhat back.
Gone, gone, wind.

Darlings, i ope you are all vell! Zhe countdown is on. Zhe Christmas show is in exactly one veek now, und ve are very busy preparing Santa's lucky dip, building gherkins und stocking up on zhe pretzels. I do ope you vill all be zhere!
Zhere may even be some more poetry for you if, of course you are zhe lucky ones.
Kissing you from afar!
Bis bald meine Lieben!
B.Bx

Photo albums in zhe vind...

2009-11-27T04:29:00.000-08:00

My darlings. I am writing to let you all know zhat i ave finally decided to publish my vorld famous und long avaited photo albums to zhe vonderful, vide vorld of zhe veb. I ave ad so many requests from friends und fans zhat I couldn't ignore zhem any longer, so if you vish to see my pictures zhey are now up on my facebook page for you, my beautiful public to peruse at your leisure.
darlings, zhere is of course a story behind every picture. I ave met so many famous und powerful people zhat some of zhese stories must of course remain a secret, or I may put my very life at risk.
But, alright, you ave tvisted my arm. I vill tell you about zhe day I ment zhe very powerful, very physical Mr Putin. He just suddenly arrived at zhe Dojo vhere I vas learning karate. Our sensei had promised us a special guest, perhaps zhe local black belt i zhought to myself. (E vas five years old, very small, very fast und a sorce to be reckoned vith!) but I never zhought it vould be someone like zhis! He vas in disguise of course, but vhilst demonstrating zhe true power of a roundhouse kick is false beard fell to zhe floor. Most of zhe other students vere under zhe age of 10 so zhey ad no idea of zhe man behind zhe fake beard. But I knew. Vladimir Putin. Naturally vhen he asked for an assistant I volunteered. I ave never before been zhrown to zhe floor vith such power und grace. I shall nevr forget zhat day darlings, or zhe beauty of zhat moment, und I don't zhink e vill either.
Zhose vere zhe days my friends!
Now don't vorry, zhe other stories are still to come darlings, but for now I must go und track down zhe source of a delicious smell zhat could only be one thing- onions on a bbq.
Bis zum nachsten mal meine Lieben!
B.Bx

World Leaders und Me

2009-11-25T05:54:00.000-08:00

Friday night- A Vaudevillian Masquerade for all my beautiful friends!

2009-11-16T06:34:00.000-08:00

Hello my darlings, a poem for you.

Zhis friday night-
The Tavern of George.
It is zhere zhat ve vill forge
our vay
our day
our time to play.
Vith masks und mystery
(because of zhe masks)
Vith dancing und history
(because of zhe ghost)
Ve all vill sing und be merry as one
my darlings, my friends vill ave so much fun!

I vould love each und every one of you to be zhere und to celebrate vith me zhe uge success of our grand opening last monday night!
Wir werden zusammen feiern, bis zum morgen licht!

B.B x

post show= lie low

2009-11-13T04:17:00.000-08:00

My darlings!

I am sorry to ave kept you in zhe dark for so long! Truly sorry!
Zhe grand opening of our EastEnd Cabaret show on Monday vas such a huge success zhat I ave been run off my little feets ever since! People calling, zhe press, having drinks vith all my new friends und vith myself of course...to calm down from all zhe excitement. Crazy days... und crazier nights! But ve von't go into zhat at zhis our of zhe morning.
As I am vatching zhe rain outside my vindow darlings it is mocking me, a vet, drippy reminder of zhe dark vinter days zhat are to come....und zhat in turn is reminding me of my vednesday evening. I'm not going to go all emo on you do not vorry. It is merely zhat on vednesday night I vitnessed zhe glamour und fiendish glee zhat vas a Mr Johnny Woo's story telling. It vas shocking to discover vhat I alvays knew but never vanted to admit, zhat at zhe heart of every childrens story lies a gruesomely dead body. Or a dead cat, as vas sometimes zhe case.
Mr Woo vas charming und towered over us all in is giantly heeled shoes...(I must say i vas in fear zhat is also incredibly towering air vould catch on zhe light globed ceiling. But it did not darlings, und it flattened itself down in zhe second alf!) Ach it vas a delightful evening of stories und poetry und one of zhe performers, a man, even took off all is clothings! A fabulous end to zhe night i must say!
On zhe vay home, ve met a girl who asked for directions to zhe nearest internet cafe. Vhen ve pointed out to er zhat she needed to head back from zhe vay vhich she came she did not trust us, und probably vandered zhe streets for ours until she perhaps found a appily ending fairytale? Or not?
Oh let us not be morbid darlings it is just zhat sometimes I cannot stop myself from zhinking zhese zhoughts!
On another note I ope you ave all seen zhe photos of Monday evening, as zhey are brilliant, und a certain someone...let us not name names darlings, is looking particularly sexy. Und ve managed zhe night vithout o much ghostly activity...although I am sure my friend Kangaloom vas so close to finding a spirit in zhat place. I am utterly convinced zhat zhe George Tavern is aunted, und ve vill get to zhe bottom of zhis one day!
Now adieu mon cherie's, I must go on a search for some breakfast und perhaps a sneaky bailey's coffee?
B.B x

Opening Night of Eastend Cabaret

2009-11-12T08:54:00.000-08:00

Zhe outback und me...memories.

2009-10-29T03:19:00.000-07:00

'Ello my darlings! I am truly sorry zhat I ave not written in so long, but zhe build up to our grand opening as been so ectic! I ave truly been run of my little feets. We ave finally secured all our acts for zhe first show, some very exciting ones darlings. I ope you are all ready for zhe 9th?
I am so very appy zhat 'Kangaloom' as accepted our invitation. She is flying out from Australia on next friday evening, so i do ope zhat zhe jet lag vill not be to troublesome.
I vill never forget zhe night ve met. It vas during my travels in zhe great country. I vas zhere for almost two years darlings. Amazing place. My favourite performace in zhe whole vorld vas in zhe town of Betoota, in zhe Betoota otel. It is zhe only building in zhat town! Zhe only one! Unbelievable place. My car ad broken down on zhe road a few kilometres before, (I did not listen ven zhey told me zhat zhere vere no petrol stations in zhat desert!) so i valked all the vay to Betoota in my high heels und my diamonte dress. I vas late for a matinee in Birdsville you know?
But zhere vas no possible vay zhat I vas going to make it to Birdsville...it is almost zhree ours from Betoota you know und it vas about 50 degrees. I nearly fainted from zhe eat. Mr Remienko found me on zhe side of zhe road taking refuge under a lonely shrub. He owns zhe Betoota otel you see darlngs, und he lives alone in zhis town! All alone...poor darling. Needless to say I vas very grateful for my rescueing und I...vell...I definately showed im my appreciation...zhat vas an amazing night. 'E ad such big, strong ands....and aving lived alone for so long, a mans desire for a voman is incredibly intense. Yes, intense is zhe vord.
But, back to Kangaloom! Sorry my darlings I vas getting lost in zhe beauty of zhat memory.
So, I decided zhat (once ve left zhe bedroom) zhat I vould put on a show zhat night at zhe Betoota otel, to liven zhe place up a little you know? Mr Remienko vas reluctant at first, but I ad my vays of convincing im.
I stood outside in zhe eat und vaved down every car zhat drove past for four ours. Ve ended up vith two couples as guests. Und kangaloom. She vas taking er monthly spiritual valk between Windorah und Birdsville und she eard zhe music. She said it vas as if zhe music vas calling er.
Zhe seven of us spent a magical night together darlings, und it vas Kangaloom who opened me up to zhe spiritual vorld. I vill alvays be greatful for zhat. Ve sang und danced together all night long darlings, und zhough I never saw Mr Remienko again, Kangaloom und I kept in touch via email you know.
Oh, I simply cannot vait for you all to meet er!
Darlings, I ave rambled on for too long. I must leave you now.
Alles gute meine Lieben!
Bis bald.
B.B x

Eastend Cabaret Opening Night

2009-10-25T05:50:00.000-07:00

another manic monday musing darlings...

2009-10-19T09:09:00.000-07:00

You ave got to love alliteration no?

Zhe sun is shining und zhe sky is…vell black. What an unusual sight. It is as if zhe sky has forgotten zhat it is still zhe day time und zhe sun is struggling to stay awake. Like zhe people you see in zhe tube you know? Who’s eads are rolling around everywhere uncontrollably, fighting against zhe mind to stay awake!
No! It cry’s as zhe ead rolls smack! into the vindow behind. No! It vails as zhe ead rolls thwop! into zhe open book on zheir lap. Und no! It screams in desperation as zhe head is lolloping closer und closer to zhe stranger who is sitting next to zhem, and finally lands plop! on zheir unsuspecting shoulder.
Zhey ave lost zhe battle, und now zhey look like a fool.
Zhis appened to me earlier today. Can you tell? Zhe fifteen year old boy whos shoulder I landed on looked pleasantly surprised. His mother vas not impressed. She thought I vas making a pass at im.
e should be so lucky!
Another manic Monday darlings. Rehearsals are going very vell. Only zhree veeks to go until zhe grand opening! Are you all excited darlings??
Nothing too strange appened today, although…at one point I did hear vhat sounded like a song about a zhing called 'gorgonzola cheese' coming from zhe ladies room, und vhen I vent to investigate zhere vas no person zhere.No person at all.
Strange no?
I must love you und leave you darlings, I ave a bowl of olives und a glass of red vine zhat need my attention.
Bis zum naechsten Mal!
B.B x
P.s I must apoligise for zhis valrus poem of last veek…I may have written zhis after zhe seventh or eighth glass of gin….

2009-10-15T13:57:00.000-07:00

P.s. Again it happens! At rehearsals my gin is not vhere I leave it! Und suddenly a hat vill appear on my head from nowhere! I do not vear hats. My face is not hat shaped. Sunglasses are fine,but hats? Never.
Something strange is happening in zhe george...but zhe show must go on!
Zhe 9th of November darlings, are you ready?
B.B x

I sometimes vish my life vas like a valrus

2009-10-15T13:48:00.000-07:00

Zheir round little bellies,
So vast und so full
vould be my life time,
If it vere a valrus.
Zheir bady little eyes vould be my mistakes.
So beady, so small,
und zhere are only two.
Zhen you zhink of zheir legs.
(vell, fyou can call zhem legs)
Zhey are so feeble, to small for zhe fatness.
Zhat's pretty useless.
Perhaps ze legs vill be disregarded.
Perhaps also zheir ugly teeth.
So huge, so pointy.
Perfect for spearing.
If only zhey vere fast enough to spear anything.
Perhaps I do not vish for my life to be like a valrus at all.
I pity zhe valrus who has to be himself.

Bernadette Byrne

zhe evidence

2009-10-09T04:03:00.000-07:00

mysterious 'appenings...

2009-10-09T03:14:00.000-07:00

My darlings, I am troubled. Ve ave started rehearsals zhis veek at our new venue- Zhe famous George Tavern. It is beautiful. It is perfect.

Owever, zhere ave been mysterious appenings...very mysterious appenings. My sleeping patterns ave been disturbed! I ave even ad zhe occasional...i ate to say it...nightmare. Not even a bottle of gin could calm me into sleeping.

It vas like every other rehearsal. I vas fabulous of course, and ze girls vere being zheir usual lazybones selves...pretending to be capable vhen zhey are in fact zhe complete opposite. Zhey forget zhemselves often. Zhey are only zhere to frame me for my beautiful public, but it seems zhat zhey are beginning to enjoy zhe attention a little too much.

Ve vhere vorking on 'Delilah'. It is one of my favourite pieces- zhe story of a jilted lover pushed to far. My story. I digress.

I ad placed my gin on zhe bar behind me, und zhe second I turned around again to take it, it ad moved. I could swear I had placed it on zhe bar! But now, it was resting on zhe speaker!

I looked at zhe girls who vhere vorking on zheir tap dance. It could not ave been any of zhem.

Und I svear I eard a giggle! A sinister giggle. Some form of giggle zhat vas not meant for uman ears! I could feel a presence, und zhat presence did not vant me zhere.

I did some research, und I found some frightening information.

Perhaps zhere is a spirit in zhe George...someone vith unfinished business...? Perhaps.

Perhaps I ave simply ad too much gin.

B.B x

2009-09-30T11:38:00.000-07:00

My Darlings, I vould like to dedicate zis story to all ze suspicious puddles of vater I have passed in my time, und of course to my public. Vom ganzen Hertzen.
B.B
x

The story of Graham Leaking.
A short story by Bernadette Byrne.
Translated from the original German by Thomas William.
　
I was watching this scene unfold from my comfy chair in the back of the bar, and I found it curious.
He was leaking.
He shuffled into the doorway.
He was dripping.
He was not meeting anyone.
He sat down, without even the pretence of buying anything, and no one said anything.
There is a man here, on brick lane, and he is leaking. He is leaking all over the less comfortable chair in the front window of the left of the room, and it isn’t even raining outside. It was, earlier. Perhaps he was caught in the rain and just didn’t manage to dry himself. Perhaps he does not own an umbrella.
I don’t own an umbrella, but I think my leaking friend and I have slightly different motives in regards to the lack of an umbrella in our lives.
I choose not to buy an umbrella. I am surviving the winter.
He looks as if he would like to own an umbrella. Perhaps even a colourful mushroom shaped one that looks as if it may swallow your head at any moment. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think for a minute that even if he could afford his umbrella fantasy that he would act on his desire to go into Marks and Spencer’s and purchase one. He would buy a black one, to look smarter.
He has insecurities about his intelligence.
He carries a newspaper, that he has paid for. You can tell, he holds it with pride under his arm to allow him instant access should he need to suddenly whip out a topical conversation. If someone were to speak to him, you know.
He has still not ordered a drink.
He is still leaking.
He is leaking the credit crunch.
He can no longer afford to fix his holes.
In the time that he has been here, he has not dried off in the slightest. It is as if he has a permanent cloud over his head drizzling misery onto his life and water on to his face. Maybe he is sweating?
I think he would have an official sounding name, like Graham. Graham Leaking.
How has he not noticed it?!
I am now beginning to doubt my original assumption that he is not meeting anyone. He has in fact, checked his phone several times in the last few minutes, almost as if he had forgotten and he should have been checking the entire time.
Trying to make up for lost time.
No such luck Graham.
Please wipe your face. I will bring you a serviette. I have to stop myself leaving my seat. I really would like to bring him a serviette.
As far as I can tell, the trickle has turned into a heavy stream of constant water running down his cheeks. His face has become obscured by the motion and his phone seems to scream in agony as the water smothers it. He is holding it to his ear now.
She is not coming. The pronounced slump, the sigh, the nervous creasing of the edges of the paper gives it away. I think their relationship is over. I think it has been over for a long time. I think it ended in divorce.
You wouldn’t have wanted her to see you like that, surely. Come on Graham, be grateful. He tries to focus on an article about the economic demise of the world as we know it, and it seems to cheer him up a bit. He looks at his phone again. Wet. Silent. She is not coming Graham. Order something please, before the last bit of dignity you have is engulfed by the rapidly rising puddle you seem to have surrounded yourself with.
He goes to the bar, comes back with a tea.
He drags his feet back to his seat. A seat that was delicately avoided by the new clientele that entered the bar the second that he left his seat. A flicker of distress crossed his pond as he saw them eyeing the corner that he had claimed.
They didn’t understand why it was wet. They wouldn’t touch it.
He strokes the side of his tea. It is in a paper cup, which he seems to find confusing. Others seem to be holding white china cups. Have the staff singled him out? Why was he to have a cup of paper? A cup of weakness? A cup ever so aesthetically unpleasing?
It was a cup that could be thrown away.
Fate has dealt Graham Leaking another blow.
This time the newspaper is not to survive. He throws it into the corner of the table. It doesn’t go very far, but a small sense of triumph seems to come over the man, as if he had suddenly hit back, made a choice. He hasn’t though, and he suddenly realises that without the paper he is simply alone in a bar, with no purpose. He looks to see if anyone is watching.
I am.
He looks back the other way. He obviously decides that my approval is not worth quite as much as having a paper to hold his hand, and he slowly retrieves the discarded object from where it lay.
He opens the paper, trying to soak in the news that he has already read at least twice already today.
He is full to the brim, and he is leaking.
He is sitting now, not swimming.
Sitting in his wetness.
He is still leaking.

2009-09-14T10:04:00.000-07:00

Ladies und Gentlemen, Madammes und Monseiurs, meine Damen und Herren. My name is Bernadette Byrne und I ave finally figured out ow to use zis vonderful zing ve call ze in-ter-net. I am speaking to you from a small tavern on ze east side of london. Zer are candles in vine bottles und an old man in ze corner reading tventy of zese newspapers at once. ('E should be smoking a pipe really). I ave chosen ze drink 'Becks vier', misguided by some common punter. Vier percent? Bah. Vot is ze point?! Zis George tavern is lovely, zo I am slightly concerned about ze country music zey seem to be playing... Me und ze joe und ze dog named bo...
So, 'in-ter-net' friend, today I am feeling zat ze vorld is a vonderful place, owever, to make it zat little bit more vonderful, I vill need several shots of gin. Becks vier has robbed me of preceisly 36 percent of my daily alcohol intake. I vill not make zis mistake again.
I vill sign off now. Adieu to you, faceless populess.

p.s. I zink zat old man is staring at me...

2009-09-02T01:55:00.000-07:00